A much needed long-winded rant, inspired by a combination of anger/confusion/sadness/discontent
Read at your own Risk
Emotions sprung from memories and recent experiences.....proceed.....
Yesterday’s gone....tomorrow’s here....can’t turn back now......
Gweedo. What an inspirational little guy he was. While back in Blair for Christmas break, in between performing with the Young Americans and beginning college that spring, he worked at Fernando’s in Blair as a server/bartender. I went in several times that winter as it was a town favorite. On each occasion he greeted me with a hug and high five at the door while he showed me to my seat. Each and every time he looked me dead in the eye and said, how about one of my dynamite margarita’s today Kori? And I would reply, well, it’s not in my budget for today....or, it’s up to who’s buying....or, no alcohol today, or the most commonly used..... maybe next time, or rather, not today, but someday...i promise....With a disappointing but understanding face he would say something I couldn’t remember--then retreat to the bar and proceed to make others’ drinks. Well...little did I know that there wouldn’t be a next time.
He passed away while on tour in Europe. I remember thinking at his funeral...oh Gweedo....I’m so sorry...I regret not letting you make me your famous drink. You just wanted to impress me right? You wanted some praise...you wanted to do it on the house even, because you were my friend. It hit me while the Young Americans were singing Seasons of Love so passionately to his coffin----I suddenly remembered what he had always replied to me when I told him, not today, someday. He would say, Well, when is someday going to be today?
I still hold on to my overwhelming guilt from that moment...can you tell?
You’ve only got so long to live--When is SOMEDAY going to be TODAY?!
I’m checking off my bucket list wishes as fast as I can, no matter what the cost
You cannot stop me from Dreaming....
“If you want something, go get it” -Pursuit of Happiness
Sometimes writing things out is just the first step that gets the ball rolling:
First Things First: Patience
Short Term Goals:
Finish school work assigned for the week. (duh)
Work my way into a different position apple- personal trainer or maybe concierge?
make business cards for singing @ weddings/web design
Repair camcorders STAT - Rockbrook Camera or Millard Tech
finish garage band creations-due wed.
plan Mary’s bachelorrete party -asap- email the girls!
finish drawings/prepare for Advanced 2-D design- Sat. 3 classes left really!?
Prepare/practice music for upcoming weddings
call dad to look at why my car is making funny noises
finish Dvd for talent show at FLC
Send DVD of mime worship service and sr. vocal recital to Myrv & Anne
Get mary’s shower gift--finish slideshow and wedding gift
UPDATE RESUME-make an electronic one !
Work on website-both dreamweaver and i-Web
Being Frugal...
Things I want to/need to buy:
Art supplies from dick blick
Camera equip: tape head cleaner (check)
Better digital camera and/or camcorder--really save your money hunny
Batteries for Keyboard- it’s portable for a reason
Guitar lessons via mac program or thru Dietze?
A better guitar, once I gather some skills
Language software to put on my ipod-German or Spanish. Which is more practical?
A condenser mic and ‘firebox’
Logic Studio. Hell yeah.
Maybe invest in another mac (desktop type) ...imac or mac mini....???
Books I’m interested in: A Course in Miracles (buy from Tregan)
Various music/design books
Finish following books and return to owners:
Prince of Nothing Series (semi-check)
Captivating
Harry Potter half-blood prince
Photoshop mags
I can’t get no satisfaction...
What do you want to do when you grow up, Kori ?
Long Term Goals:
Finish my SECOND degree- Bachelor of (is it science or arts? ) in interactiveMedia/web-design w/ music emphasis from Dana College/Metro Community College
Entertain jobs in a different STATE--whether tech related or education
TRAVEL-
Apply for Up With People, Audition for Riverdance singers, apply for Teach for America
Boston in March - San Francisco in September - New York City December 31st
Get some decent/pro photos taken of me for promo ideas/website
Sharpen writing/lesson plan skills
Stay on top of Educational horizon/ call around about Subbing again!!
INterview for teaching jobs--what could it hurt?
Find a Place to Live--sign a lease or move home *(shudder) The goal is to get OUT of Blair, Nebraska
Put all mini dv’s onto dvd and/or edit...oi.
Make some decent recordings with dazebeforesunshine
Work on cleaning out the closet-literally. Go home, throw away all the crap that means nothing to you anymore. Sell stuff. Take it to goodwill. Recycle stuff. Scrapbook the crap out of your old papers/pictures. Clean out your room so that you can store the rest of your crap in there when you move away. !!!!!!!!
Keep in touch with music teaching/techie contacts. You’ve got great networking skills, use them! Tie up any loose ends you have now because it could come back to bite you later. Promise.
There... (wipes hands clean)
I think that does it.
Notice that none of my goals involve getting married, or having kids?
I am firmly secure in the fact that I don’t want kids. (perhaps adoption...) I don’t believe in the domestication of women...being barefoot and pregnant isn’t for me. If it is for you, that’s great, but do not take offense to what I want to do with my life. I am especially livid when it comes to the objectification of women. So if you do that to me---we will have to have a little chat.
If marriage does happen for me.....great. I can’t imagine someone who will be there for me or love me more than myself, who’s out there ready to meet me. I may have come close, but......I’m not there yet. I don’t even know who I am or want to be---how could I expect anyone to want to grow with me unless we share some similar goals or dreams or aspects of faith? All of these things that are so important to me, I will find someone, but I can envision myself saying no if anyone were to ever propose to me. Maybe I’m afraid of my own success....too scared to take that leap into something that’s so much better than anything I could have possibly imagined---I would miss the opportunity. So when that time rears its head, would someone wake me up and please remind me what is in front of me, so that I don’t take it for granted?
Back to the goals thing:
I remember when I was dating Pat....(football coach), he had a list of his life goals posted on his bathroom mirror. They seemed ridiculous at the time (coach at major university, make a million dollars, etc. ) and probably unattainable in my eyes, but to him they were feasable. As far as I know he’s making his way as a coach at a University in MN. He is also the one who inspired me to eliminate the word 'try' from my vocabulary. My friend Michael always talked about going to film school in Las Vegas...after returning from the Young Americans, and his mission trip to Brazil--he went and did it. Katrina took her iMedia degree to new heights via grad school in Syracuse, NY. I found myself jealous of these people acheiving their dreams--and I thought to myself, why can’t I do those things? Who and what is really holding me back? My whole life I’ve lived in NE, went to school in my home town, and moved finally, 20 minutes away. It’s not enough. I sometimes wish I would have transferred or went to a school farther away. Hastings was first pick, then the U of MN, but money proved to be a difficult hurdle to jump. Dana provided the scholarships and grants I needed, and so be it, as my mother was happy to have me stay here, I did. Jr. year I had a revelation that I did not want to be a music teacher, but I had merely stuck with that degree out of guilt and obligation to obtain scholarship moneys. I felt I owed it to my high school teacher Mr. Sorensen, who always stopped me and wanted to talk college and encouraged me to go into music, all of this he saw in me before he passed away suddenly my jr. year. All of these years, it took me to realize what happened. I always told him I wanted to go into ‘computer animation’ , end of story. But he persisted in the music field with me.
Jr. year of college proved to be both the best and worst of my academic career. In a matter of months I went from having a 4.0 to a number too embarrassing to put here.
I was depressed-lost-hopeless. Hurting emotionally from several passing short-term, meaningless relationships, and confused as to who I was, what I believe, and left wondering what I wanted to do with my life. I skipped classes just to sleep the world away, and the ones I did attend, I barely participated. Jean Marie and Michael (head music profs) leaving the school really took the cake. She wrote me a goodbye card that read--”I really hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for”. She knew. I felt so sheepish. A coward running away from her talents, not knowing what to do with them. Losing my voice and nearly failing my vocal recital portion of my major was another blow to my self confidence in the music education field. It’s taken me 3 years to nearly, and I mean only nearly, regain my range. It’s only about 96% of what it was. I thought these were all signs that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. I felt as confused as I did when I took Lyden’s Religion class freshman year. I didn’t know what to believe because everything sounded both good and bad to me at the same time. Indecisiveness took the best of me. I remember doing my best to break free from the cycle of redundancy when a friend of me set me straight in that he said I needed to transfer, go to a bigger school, one where I didn’t know anybody, or have any backing for my strengths. I needed to be challenged, and see that there was stiff competition out there, instead of sitting here being top dog, having everything handed to me because people here knew how I performed. I needed to go out and prove myself. SO i took it into my own hands, or so I thought...and contacted the Art Institutes International Minneapolis. I was standing in my dorm room on the phone with a representative from the admissions dept. asking what semester and year I was looking at enrolling---that’s when I froze and said, What am I doing? I’m not REALLY going to do this...it’s only...a dream. Dreams aren’t meant to come true. So I had them just send me some info instead. I did the same with with the U of MN, St. Paul, and Full Sail college, as well as Musitech college of Minneapolis.
Needless to say, none of those things happened.... and as I sit here in my room, staring at my teaching certificate and Bachelors degree, I realize that there just pieces of paper on the wall, and what am I doing with them? I haven’t broken the cycle obviously as I am still in my comfort zone, taking boredom classes, working retail and still sending for brochures that I don’t know if I’ll actually pursue or not...organizations like Bunac, Up With People, and Riverdance. Who knows if I’ll actually get off my ass and do something about all of this. Stand up to my mom and say goodbye. I’m not you. I’m not going to make excuses for what you didn’t have. Parents should want their kids to have it better than they did, but you always told me, ‘well, i never had that opportunity and so why should you?’. Well, I have a different philosophy concerning that. Mom wanted to be a photo journalist--but back in the 60’s, women either went to school to learn to be a secratary or a nurse, got married or went staight to work, which she did. And after 30 years of factory work, she says she doesn’t have any skills, but will she do anything about them? Will she stop talking about what she wants to do, and do it? She is retired, and divorced. She can do anything she wants. But oh no, it’s costs money, or my knee is bad and I can’t walk anywhere or no body would go with me to the Bon Jovi concert if I got tickets although I’d really like to go.I read a book about dream stealers, and how to deal with them, along with other self-made success story books, and they’ve inspired me. The problem is putting those plans into ACTION. Stop thinking and start doing.
ON that note, My brother works for Hyatt, and as part of my mom’s/my birthday presents, he reserved a suite for us in San Francisco in late September. That’s right mom. A place with Public transportation so you won’t have to walk. And we’re footing the place tickets. No excuses. ( I wanted to take her to Disney Land, but again...the walking thing). So after her knee surgery, we’re hightailing it out of here ! The experience will be good for my brother too, I think. He’s only ever been to Philmont with the boy scouts, and Atlanta for the Nat’l Youth Gathering. I’m going to walk him right into China town and the gay district and say yeah kodi, you better believe there are different people out there and if you make one peep so help me!!!!!!! .....(regaining my composure).
“The only one holding you back---is you”
“Believe you can or believe you can’t, you’ll be right!” -Dr. Palmer
“If you just open your eyes, you could get out of this...
But you’re such a success, you’re just not built for it” ... -Emery
I also have yet to apologize for my behavior to certain folks and tell those who deserve it how much I love them. I have some unresolved ties to bind, and some complete truths need yet to be revealed among friends and family. Admittedly, I have been working on this, and not merely trying.
To those of you who i may still have bad blood with.... forgive me. I forgive you.
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This epiphany was inspired by many people...but especially one, Greg Cabrera. Thank you for everything, truly. You’ve done wonders for my personal growth and confidence, and I’m glad to have befriended you when I did. You are truly a delightful person with a beautiful soul. Your knowledge, wisdom, and entrepreneurial spirit have pushed me to further challenge myself and you’ve set an example for me to better reflect on my speech, conduct, love, faith and purity. I will never forget everything you’ve done for me, and yet there is still so much I want to learn from you. I’ll say it again, that I’ve never been treated so well by anyone, and the next person to experience the grace of your presence should be named the luckiest in my eyes. It’s really too bad it didn’t work out in this life time. Tchuss.
<3 Korikay
And with that, I leave you all with a song:
Dig- by Incubus.
We all have a weakness, but, some of ours are easy to identify, look me in the eye.
and ask for forgiveness, we'll make a pact to never speak that word again, yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs in us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
no matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs in us,
at least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone
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